


Stepping Out

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, No Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-17
Updated: 2003-11-17
Packaged: 2018-12-27 03:00:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: The guys take Justin out for the first time since the bashing, while Brian works to get his life back to normal.  A seemingly impossible task.





	Stepping Out

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

"Gentlemen...and Deb..." 

Before he could get any further with the introductions Emmett was cut off by a very impatient Deb shouting at him. "Jeez Em! Just let him come down so we can see him already!" 

Emmett rolled his eyes and motioned for the boy to come down. Michael, Ted, Vic and Deb looked up seeing the black leather pants that fit him snugly showing off his perfect ass and the white wife beater that clung to his chest like a second skin. Each of them nodded appreciatively and smiled. 

Justin's face was flushed with what everyone thought was excitement. Only he wasn't excited. He felt sick. The whole scene forced him to remember the night of his prom. That wasn't the memory he was going for tonight. Tonight was about having fun. Getting his life back. He couldn't do that if he had demons on his back the entire time. 

He smiled as Deb patted him on the back. "You look gorgeous Sunshine! I'm sure the boys'll be beggin for it!" 

"I know they will. And I'm standing as far away from him as possible. The last thing I need is for everyone to have an easy comparison." Ted said playfully. Justin rolled his eyes and smiled down at the older man. 

"Well I don't see what all the fuss is about. He looks the same as always. Only now some poor cow had to die to clothe him." Justin let himself grin at Michael's flat comment. He was honestly glad that Michael had come back to Pittsburgh. He was even happier that they had finally developed what some might call a friendship. It was a very sarcastic bordering on cruel friendship but why mess with what worked? 

"Bite me Captain Ass!" Justin rolled his eyes and smirked as Michael hit his shoulder. 

"That's Astro - Boy Wonder!" 

"Alright now. Don't make us separate you two!" Vic shook his finger at them as if her were admonishing children. 

Deb chuckled happily, making Justin and Michael giggle as well. They knew that their newfound, if tenuous, bond pleased Debbie more than she could have imagined. She felt as if she really had two sons now. Plus it made it easier since Justin had once again made their place his home after getting out of the hospital. 

Justin looked around and the smile faded from his face and it was replaced with a look of concern. "Where's Brian?" 

Ted and Emmett looked away and Deb looked to Michael. Someone had to tell him and it seemed that the job was going to fall into Michael's hands. "He isn't coming," he stammered, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

Justin bit his lip thoughtfully and nodded. It wasn't as if he expected anything less from Brian than to be blown off, but he had promised to be there. He forced himself to smile for the others. "Brian said that he would come. He'll be there," he said, already half way to the door. 

The guys shared a knowing look and each hugged Deb and Vic on their way out. 

*** 

Brian leaned back against the bar at Woody's, alternating his gaze between the mirror, where he could see all of the possibilities across the bar, and glancing towards several men that were involved in an interesting game of pool. He was on the prowl. Cruising for the first time in several weeks. It felt odd but good to be back, as if he were a snake that had finally shed his skin. He had let what had happened to Justin control his actions for far too long. He was going to move on tonight, no matter what it took. 

One of the pool players - a very tall and very handsome blond that looked as though he lived in the gym - had been watching Brian since he had walked in and he smiled inwardly knowing where this would end up. He turned back to the bar and drained the contents of his glass, waiting for the inevitable approach. 

He could smell the man from ten feet away. It was as if some primal instinct kicked in and he could sense his prey moving forward. Edging closer to the trap that was set for him. 

"You're Brian right? Brian Kinney?" The blond asked, leaning on the bar beside him. 

"That's right. Do I know you?" He asked in a bored tone, nodding to the bartender to pour him another drink. 

"No...I know you though. From the news. Too bad about that kid huh?" His voice held a minuscule amount of genuine concern but the man was fishing. Was Brian Kinney attached? 

Brian's jaw tightened as he struggled to swallow the unwelcome guilt. He threw back the second shot and smiled. "Yeah. Too bad. So are we going to talk all night or what?" 

The guy looked Brian up and down, seemingly ready to jump him right there on the bar. 

Brian just stood and walked out of the bar, never even looking to see if the man was coming with him. He knew he would follow. 

*** 

Justin and Michael laughed in the backseat as they listened to Emmett and Ted argue over the radio station. Michael had commented earlier that the two sounded like an old married couple and now they seemed to be proving his words to be true. 

"I'm just saying...we're going to Babylon. Why listen to dance music if you are about to be subjected to it for hours on end." 

"Teddy, I know we are going to Babylon but that is the point. You have to set the mood! Who wants to walk into a club after listening to opera for half an hour?" 

"I think we will probably get there before you two agree on this so just settle on classic rock or something!" Michael yelled over them, noticing Justin wince at the volume. 

"Does anyone mind swinging by the diner on the way? I have to grab something I forgot earlier." 

"No problem sweety." Emmett said, turning to smile at Justin and reaching back to pat his knee. 

"Excuse me. I'm driving so I'll make the decisions here." Ted said in his sternest voice. He looked in his rearview mirror, watching as Justin smiled angelically at him. "Yeah okay. It's on the way anyway." 

After Justin had retrieved what he needed from the diner and they were on their way again, Michael looked over to see Justin popping a pill in his mouth. 

"Your meds?" He said quietly as not to be heard by the bickering duo in the front. 

"Yeah well...I didn't want to get there and have to leave just because of a fucking headache." 

"I thought they were getting better." 

"They are. It's just better to be safe is all." Justin shrugged, slipping the small brown bottle into the pocket of his tight pants. 

Michael noticed the bulge on the boys leg, caused by the bottle and began to chuckle. "Don't be surprised if you get a lot of offers tonight with that in your pocket." Justin rolled his eyes and slipped the bottle out, placing it in the back pocket of the seat in front of him. "Well hell - if you aren't gonna use it..." 

Justin wrestled with Michael over the bottle until Ted threatened them with bodily harm, should they mess up his car in any way. An empty threat if anything, especially coming from Ted. Both of the men sat up straight wiping tears of laughter from their eyes. Michael put the bottle back into the seat pocket and winked at Justin which caused another fit of giggles to erupt from the boy. Finally settling down, some Italian aria blasting from the top of the line sound system, the boys let the quiet settle over them. 

As they turned onto Liberty and passed Woody's, Justin glanced over, enjoying the glow of the bright lights once again. As if his eyes were on auto-pilot, they found Brian's jeep parked right in front of the bar and his heart leapt at the thought of seeing the man. Before he could ask Ted to stop, he noticed a muscular blond hopping into the passenger side of the jeep and the unmistakable profile of Brian Kinney behind the wheel. 

*** 

"My name is Dan by the way." The man in the passenger seat mumbled as he attacked Brian's neck with his hungry mouth. 

Brian didn't even bother to respond as he maneuvered the jeep through traffic. He felt the man's hand drift to his thigh and brush a light trail from his knee to his groin. Brian was instantly hard, more from the fact that this was his first trick - hell, it was his first time - in weeks, than because of anything the man was doing. Before the man could go for his zipper, they pulled up outside of the loft. Brian hopped out, again not even bothering to check if the man was following. 

It was much earlier than he liked to be coming home, but Brian was a man of his word. He would play around with the jock and then kick him out, giving him just enough time to make an appearance at Babylon. 

As he heard the man file in behind him he instructed him to shut the door. 

"This is a...really nice place." As the man spoke the words, the voice became Justin's. Brian whipped around at the sound and shook his head as he smirked at the boy in front of him. 

"So are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?" He spoke the words, caught up in the moment of deja vu. When he blinked, the man was looking at him expectantly. His mouth, no longer the innocent uncertain smile of the youth, was now curled into a sexy grin. 

"Whatever you want baby." The man growled, stalking towards him slowly as he pulled his shirt over his head revealing his overly-muscular upper body. 

Brian frowned but pushed the images of Justin from his head as he began unbuttoning his gray silk shirt. His spirit returned with a blaze of fire as the man positioned himself to remove his pants for him. The trick was already naked and was now on the floor, resting on his knees, looking up at Brian as if he was an idol meant for worship. His large calloused hands moved over Brian's ass as he pushed his pants down. Brian stepped out of them and turned towards the bedroom. 

The man once again followed him as if attached by a leash. The promise of being sexed by the legendary Brian Kinney was too overwhelming. 

Reaching to the side of the bed, Brian pulled a vile of something or other from under his mattress. He wasn't quite clear on what mix it was but he remembered putting it there for emergencies. This wasn't an emergency per se but it was close enough. He inhaled the fine powder and stood, instantly feeling lightheaded. He looked at the vile and grinned. It was definitely good shit no matter what it was. 

By the time Dan had gotten to the bed, Brian was on his knees holding his dick, moving his hand in slow, languid movements up and down his quickly hardening shaft. The man watched him get ready, an illuminated masterpiece in blue neon, and began stroking his own cock. 

"Don't cum." Brian heard himself say. 

Justin's voice answered with a strangled "I'll try." 

Dan simply nodded in agreement. 

Brian shook his head angrily and grimaced. It must be the drugs, he told himself. Only then did he remember that he hadn't had any drugs earlier. And only a few drinks. 

He felt himself begin to tense up as he closed his eyes and saw Justin. In his mind he was dressed in a tux, standing in a crowd of teenagers. 

"I thought you said you wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of eighteen year-olds." 

"I thought I'd recapture my lost youth." 

The man kneeled on the bed beside him and began kissing his chest, his hands roaming over his shoulders and back. 

"Whatever you say." He whispered, ignoring the fact that Brian wasn't making any sense. 

"It's the best night of my life." Justin said grinning. 

"Even if it was ridiculously romantic." 

The other man was so far gone, he hadn't even heard the last remark. Brian snapped himself from his daydream and looked down at the man who was kissing his way up the inside of his thigh. He couldn't do it. "Get out," he breathed on an impulse. 

"What?" Dan asked, drowsily lost in his own passion-induced haze. 

"Out!" Brian yelled. 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" 

"What don't you understand. I want you to leave. Exit. Disappear!" Brian's voice escalated as his annoyance grew. He was annoyed with himself and the fact that he wouldn't - no couldn't - let himself admit the reason that he was really upset. 

"You're an asshole man!" Dan screamed as he picked up his clothing off of the floor by the door. "You need help! Fuckin' prick!" 

Brian ignored the man and waited until he heard the door slide shut before putting his face in the pile of pillows at the head of his bed and smothering his frustrations. 

*** 

The guys had been standing in the line outside of Babylon for twenty minutes. Michael, Ted and Emmett had been comparing sex lives to pass the time - each of them claiming that their's was the worst. Finally after about ten minutes of the game, they were down to ‘dumped on by a man that was over a thousand miles away', ‘screwed over by a drug addict' and ‘sex with a woman'. 

Just when it looked like Emmett was going to win, Justin smiled wryly and slapped Ted on the back. "Try ‘bashed in the head by a guy I jerked off at school.'" 

"And we have a winner!" Ted said smiling ruefully. 

Justin saw the looks on their faces and scowled. He hadn't meant to depress everyone with the comment. His attempt to use humor in hopes of somehow getting everyone past the event wasn't working. He felt that it should have been more traumatic for him than anyone else but his family and friends seemed reluctant to let it slip into the past. Everyone wanted him to talk about it. Except whenever he actually did talk about it, everyone got depressed and upset. He was eighteen years old. He wanted to party. And that's exactly what tonight was supposed to be about. 

Justin screwed his face up in a determined smile and rolled his eyes. "Cheer up guys. I'm here to let loose. Have fun. If you want to mope then leave! "No more sad faces and no bitchy comments!" He said receiving a hug from Emmett. 

"Shit. You really know how to take the fun out of my evening!" Michael said, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen over them. They all chuckled and turned as the line finally began to move up. 

After they finally entered the club, Justin was bombarded with hugs and kisses from men he didn't even know. He threaded his arm through Ted's and held him to his side. When the man looked at him questioningly, Justin simply smiled and shrugged. "I figured you could either ward them off or get in the line of fire and get some action yourself." 

"You are too kind." Ted mumbled sarcastically, but laughed inwardly thinking that the boy had definitely been spending too much time with Brian Kinney. After they had both been mobbed and manhandled by the crowd, Ted managed to pull them over to the bar where Michael and Emmett were looking on the scene with laughter in their eyes. 

"It's like some twisted version of "The Bodyguard"!" Michael tilted his head as he motioned towards them. 

"Only Ted is no Kevin Costner and if anyone is Whitney it better be me!" Emmett winked at Justin who was giggling softly. 

After Ted and Em had made their way onto the dance floor, Michael looked at the boy's now sad face. "What's the matter?" He asked in a playful voice. For all of Justin's words that no one should be down, Michael knew it was all a show. A good show but still bullshit. 

Justin simply shook his head and smiled at some random guy that walked by and patted his shoulder in greeting. 

"Don't deny it. You look like someone just ran your puppy down in cold blood." 

The blond made an effort to smile. All he could manage was a small lift in the corners of his mouth. His eyes though - they said it all. 

"You saw him didn't you. Outside Woody's." Justin's eyes quickly found Michael's, shocked. Michael nodded, knowing that he had seen him. "I was hoping you hadn't noticed. But...C'mon Justin. We both know how Brian is. He has the memory of a fruit fly and the sex drive of a rabbit in heat." Michael, as usual defended his best friend but this time, it was also about protecting Justin. 

"I know," was all that Justin would allow. 

"So...care to dance?" Michael offered Justin his arm. The younger man smiled a bit more brightly. 

"I would be honored sir." Justin threaded his arm through Michael's and they walked regally onto the dance floor. Disappearing into the sea of bodies. 

*** 

Brian looked at the screen in front of him. This was getting pathetic. How the hell was it possible that no one was online? Someone had to be cruising somewhere in the world of cyber sex. He just wanted a quick pick-me-up before heading to Babylon. Something to take his mind off of that last fiasco. 

"Fuck it!" He growled after finding no one in any of his usual on-line haunts. He logged off and picked up the phone. Maybe he could look up some old friends that he knew would be more than happy to oblige him in any way necessary. 

He began dialing a number and waiting for a ring but none came. Then he heard Lindsay yell. "Brian?" 

"Lindz? Must have dialed there by mistake. Did I wake Gus?" 

"No. Actually I was calling you. You must have picked up before it rang." 

Brian could hear Melanie speaking baby talk to his son in the background. Probably telling him that ‘dada is a big pricky-poo'. 

"So what's up?" 

"I was calling to see if Justin was there." He could hear a smile in her voice. 

"Noooo... He and the boys went to Babylon. Didn't they tell you where he was?" he asked impatiently. 

"Who?" 

"Deb or Vic - whoever you called." 

"Actually I thought I would try you first. I figured if he wasn't there then you would know where he was. And you do." He could hear the ‘told ya so' behind her words. 

"Uh-huh. Why were you calling him? Need a babysitter?" 

"No. Actually Gus just said his name," Lindsay said, a bright grin in her voice. 

"What?" 

"We were showing him the family album and he put his hand on a picture of him and said ‘Jusn'. Oh it was so adorable!" 

Gus had begun to speak a little over a month before and he had mastered ‘mommy', ‘mama', ‘dada' and now...‘Jusn'. It was painfully obvious that he was going in an order of some sort. 

"Great," was the word that came out of his mouth. His mind was filled with nothing but ‘oh shit shit shit shit shit'. 

Lindsay went on for ten more minutes about how Gus was growing so quickly. Probably hinting for the money to buy him a fucking new wardrobe. 

Getting back to the original problem, Brian ground his teeth and stalked to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. "How the fuck did the little twink get so firmly implanted in my life? In my brain!" 

Normally he would have simply gone to Babylon, gotten Justin, brought him back to the loft and fucked him. Only...Justin hadn't been any kind of mood to fool around. Another lovely side effect of the bashing. And the way things were shaping up, he thought distance was the only thing that was going to stop this Justin invasion that had been set into motion. 

He would have to break his word. Maybe if he didn't show, Justin would get the message. Only, as his heart fluttered and he wanted to smile at the thought of Gus saying ‘Jusn'...Brian still wasn't completely sure what message he wanted to send anymore. 

*** 

Justin hitched his thumb towards the bar and arched his eyebrows in silent question. Michael shook his head but motioned for Justin to go, which he did happily. Dancing always made him thirsty and it didn't help at all that he had been extra tired lately. Simple things could tire him out now but it didn't matter. Tonight he was going to push past exhaustion and party. It was like staying up all night when you were really sleepy. It would be fine. A little painful but nothing he couldn't handle. Plus he had to do it sometime or else be forced to nap and go to bed early every night like a fucking child, for the rest of his life. 

As soon as he reached the bar, he was greeted by Greg. It had always seemed to Justin that the bartender had it out for him. The man probably had a thing for Brian and resented him like most of the men there. Only now Greg was smiling at him as if they were old friends. 

"Hi. What can I get you?" 

"Um...water." Not that there were many other choices when you were underage. 

"Water? You sure? I'll get you anything you want." The man grinned slyly. 

Justin returned the grin and nodded. "Alright. A beer then?" Greg winked as he handed him a beer and went off to serve someone else. Well, he thought looking at the beer in his hand, at least something good came out of this night. He thought about the man that had jumped so easily into the jeep with Brian. 

What would Brian do if the situation was reversed? 

Knowing the exact answer to that question, Justin gulped the beer in record time before ordering another. When he had finished those, as well as several shots of Absolut, Justin turned on his heel and stalked onto the dance floor with one purpose. 

The whole damn thing was too easy. He took on the ‘you're lucky to have me' attitude and it was like moths to a flame. Justin focused on the younger of the three men surrounding him. He had jet black hair and beautiful soft grey eyes. He pulled the man to him by his shirtfront and kissed him hungrily. They devoured one another's mouths, pressing together so tightly that neither of them could tell where they where they ended and began. His senses were on overload and Justin's skin tingled as the alcohol began to run through his bloodstream. 

Without even a glance for the other men, Justin tugged the guy into the back room with him. "Sam." The guy murmured into his ear. Even drowned by the loud thump of the music, the man's voice was deep and reassuring. Soft and lilting. 

"Justin." He yelled back. 

"I know." That was all that was said before Sam began kissing his way down Justin's chest. Leaving the fabric of his shirt slightly damp. 

Justin swayed and pulled Sam with him as he leaned back against one of the walls. His head was swimming and he wondered if this is how Brian felt when he was there. 

*** 

"Who's gonna go get him?" Michael asked as he watched Justin disappear down the stairway that lead to the back room. 

"Not I said the fox." Emmett shook his head. 

"If he wants to get his rocks off down there, then that's his business." 

Emmett nodded. "Maybe this is what he needs." 

Michael scowled, disagreeing with his friends. "No. This is wrong. He's upset with Brian and he's going to do something stupid." 

"Well if you really think that..." Ted looked unconvinced but worried all the same. 

"Okay. I'm goin." Michael made his way across the dance floor and into the back room, feeling an incredible sense of deja vu. The times he had done this for Brian were countless. It didn't take him long to locate the golden boy. He was against the far wall, head lolling back and forth as some guy kneeled before him, sucking him off. "Come on Boy Wonder. We're leaving." 

Justin didn't even acknowledge Michael's presence. 

"Justin! Let's go!" he said louder and with more force. 

Finally he opened his eyes and looked at Michael. It almost seemed as if he was about to say something but a moment later his eyes rolled back in his head and he crumbled into Michael's arms. 

The dark haired guy that had been servicing him was stunned to say the least. Yet he was soon on his feet, trying to help Michael who was struggling to keep Justin and himself vertical. Finally he hooked his arms under Justin's shoulders and took his legs just under his knees. They carried him to one of the couches and Michael yelled for the guy to go and get help. 

Michael pried Justin's eyes open with his fingers like he had seen doctors do on tv. But he didn't know what he was looking for and the light wasn't even bright enough to see anything significant. He felt so completely helpless. All he could think to do at that point was yell so that's what he did. "Justin! Wake up! C'mon dammit!" 

*** 

 

The phone rang. And rang. And rang. 

Brian was angry with himself for not turning the answer machine on and the ringer off. If he was going to sit there and waste a good high then he wanted to do it in silence. Too bad the shit on the other end of the line didn't know that. 

What if something has happened? His mind jumped from one thought to the next. Each scenario that his mind created was worst than the last. Gus was hurt, Michael was hurt, Justin was hurt...but there was the problem. Justin. He was worrying about him. Exactly the point of this self-inflicted seclusion. If something was wrong, someone would have called his cell phone. 

Just to be on the safe side, Brian got up from the lounge and rifled through his pants pockets, searching for his phone. He flipped it open and checked it for messages that he might have missed. 

"Shit!" The screen of his cell was completely blank. He had turned it off at some point. Probably when he went into Woody's, in the case that Justin might try to call him while he was cruising. 

Quickly he turned it on and a message box popped up. Four new messages. 

"Fuck!" 

"Message one. Received at 10:35pm." The automated voice hacked out the words more slowly than he thought possible. 

Finally Emmett's frantic voice could be heard. He was obviously in Babylon or at least a very crowded place. The background noise was nearly drowning out every word. 

"Brian...is Emmett. Mi...found...-ustin...and we're going...the hospit-." 

Brian might have been on his way to a good high but even his brain could work out the words through the noise. He ran out of the loft and hopped in his jeep without another thought except that he had to get to Justin. 

*** 

He made it to the hospital in record time and tore off towards the emergency room, never even phased by two near collisions with other pedestrians and the car that had nearly mowed him down in the parking deck. 

When he entered the brightly lit room, it was to find everyone waiting silently for news. Lindsay and Mel were huddled in a corner, holding hands. Emmett was entertaining Gus with a picture book. Ted and Vic were talking over Debbie, who was staring off in a worried daze. Michael was pacing the floor, chewing his thumbnail to bits as was his nervous habit. Molly Taylor was fast asleep in her mother's lap and Jennifer was combing her fingers soothingly through her daughter's strawberry blond hair. Daphne was beside her, reading what appeared to be a very boring novel. 

Brian stared at the group in front of him. Justin's family. The people that loved and cared for the boy. He was that. But...could he admit it? Could he give in yet again to the vulnerability that the blonde brought out in him? Especially after the absolute destruction of his carefully erected walls during their last visit to the hospital. 

Before he could step into the room, he heard a familiar voice. He stepped back and made his way down the hall towards the nurses desk. 

"Loraine?" 

"Brian Kinney! Fancy meeting you here." The night nurse said flatly. She was reading what looked to be a tattered old romance novel, complete with two half naked figures kissing on the cover. She closed the book and sighed, thumbing a tear from her cheek. "I'm a sucker for a happy ending," she explained. 

"Loraine...Justin..." 

"Yeah, hon?" 

"Is he okay? What happened?" 

Loraine pulled a chart from the bin behind the counter and studied it briefly. "Well...want the good news...or the bad news?" Brian stared at her, feeling no need to answer. They were in a hospital. How could any news really be classified as ‘good'? The woman nodded, "Well...he's in another coma." 

"How the fuck did that happen?" 

"Hey!" Loraine pointed at him in warning. "Watch the language. We have kids around here, ya know." 

Brian growled. "How did it happen?" He asked with perfect restraint. 

"It was...drug induced." 

"What?!" 

"The good news is that his vitals look pretty normal. That's all I can tell you sweetie. No sign of when he'll wake up. We pumped his stomach and did all that we could, so it's really in God's hands now." 

Brian's eyes were trained on the floor in front of him as he absorbed the news. How? Justin? Drugs? He was always so very careful about not taking anything. He was allergic to too many drugs to go and experiment with anything more than poppers and weed. Had someone slipped him something? Was he just looking for a quick high and gotten it off of the first person carrying? 

He caught a glimpse of the room number as Loraine put the chart conveniently on the nurse's desk in plain sight and he took off in the direction of his fallen lover. 

Once again, he found himself in an all too familiar position. He watched through the glass window on the door as Justin breathed through a tube. His body lay lifeless in the hospital bed. 

Not again, his mind cried. 

Could he pull through again? Would he prove once again that he was strong enough? 

You or Justin?, he asked himself. 

Dejectedly, with his head hung low, Brian made his way back towards the waiting room. 

*** 

Brian found himself smoking a joint on the roof. Just as he had, the night his son had been born in that very hospital. And just as he had that night, Michael followed him. 

"Kinda stuffy in there with all those people huh?" 

"Yeah well, between getting the evil eye from Melanie, the cold shoulder from Jennifer and the third degree from your mother, I figured that I should wait - elsewhere." Brian inhaled the smoke deeply into his lungs and held it as he passed it to his best friend. 

Michael took a small puff before returning it, knowing that the little bit that he inhaled would be more than enough for him. "He's gonna be okay, Brian." 

"Yeah?" Brian stared at the man for a long moment before turning back towards the skyline. "How do you know that?" 

"I don't. But...he's gotten through a lot worse." 

Brian nodded but kept his eyes forward as he asked, "How did it happen, Michael? You guys were supposed to watch him." 

Michael held much of what he wanted to say, inside. He wouldn't say that Brian was supposed to have been there as well. That he had made the choice to fuck around with some guy instead of watching over his boy toy. Instead, he worked towards assuaging Brian's worry. "We did. It wasn't anyone's fault, Brian. He just...forgot. He forgot that he took his meds. He had a few drinks. The mix was too much for his system." 

"Who bought him the drinks?" 

Michael shrugged but Brian never saw it. He was at a loss of words. Brian was looking for someone to blame. Looking for someone to be at fault. Someone or something to train his anger and hurt and frustrations on. But he knew his friend, better than anyone, except for maybe Justin, and he knew that he would blame himself in the end. But he would look for every loophole along the way. 

"If he needed his meds, then he didn't feel well. Why did you let him go out? Why didn't you insist that he stay at Deb's?" 

"Because Brian. Justin's a big boy. And wether you want to accept it or not, he can make his own decisions." Michael's voice began to rise with every word, as he became angry. Angry with Brian, himself, Justin... So angry that he didn't think about the words, but let them flow from his mouth unchecked. "Justin was upset. He saw you and some guy outside of Woody's. He was probably too distracted to remember taking his meds. Probably wanted to do anything he could to take his mind off of things." Brian's entire body tensed with the words and Michael sighed. "But don't you even think that he did this because of you. Or in spite of you. He didn't put himself here on purpose, so don't even blame yourself. It's not worth it!" 

Brian lowered his eyes and stared at his hands, as he crumpled the remnants of the joint between his fingers. The tip burned him slightly but he felt no pain. Slowly, he absorbed Michael's words. Justin had seen him with that guy. He had known that he was tricking when he had promised to be there for him. No matter what Michael said to convince him that it wasn't his fault, no one would argue that he hadn't at least contributed to the problem. Once again...Brian Kinney had fucked up. 

"Brian," Michael placed his hand on Brian's shoulder. "Brian, are you gonna be okay?" Brian nodded mutely but couldn't look his friend in the eye. 

*** 

"Alright...we have chicken salad, chicken livers, fried chicken, grilled chicken, chicken sandwiches, chicken nuggets..." Debbie called out to the group. 

"Wow. It's like Forrest Gump." Michael said as the others rolled their eyes at his sad attempt at humor. "Shrimp cocktail, fried shrimp..." 

The room once again fell silent as the group began to eat. 

"How's Brian?" Vic asked quietly. 

Michael shrugged. "He needed a smoke." 

"Uh-huh. That's not all he needs." Emmett said, biting into his piece of fried chicken. 

By this time, everyone was aware of the entire situation. Well...the entire situation as far as they could tell. Brian had promised to go to Babylon for Justin's first night back and instead had gone out and picked up some random guy. Now it seemed to everyone that he was sulking. Purposefully staying away from the group to wrestle with his own demons. Guilt. Shame. Worry. 

"Why is it so fucking hard for that boy to just let things be? For being the one that supposedly doesn't give a fuck, he sure does stir up a lot of drama." 

"Deb's right. I mean...he's acting like he's the one that gave Justin the drinks." Ted added. 

Lindsay picked at a chicken sandwich and nodded in agreement. "He's still kicking himself over Chris Hobbs." 

"And none of it was his fault. If ya ask me, he needs to put his money where his dick is." Deb stabbed at the air with her finger. "I mean, how long is he going to actually pretend that the kid is still just another trick?" 

"Amen! I mean, we've all seen them together." Melanie said quietly as she rocked Gus. "If they were in any way normal, they might be a full-fledged couple by now. Instead he's still trying to prove something by staying away from Justin." She rolled her eyes in disgust. "I'd be willing to bet that the prick is actually feeling guilty for once. An achievement in itself considering that up until last year, I was convinced that he didn't know HOW to feel." 

"Be nice." Lindsay chastised, feeding her lover a piece of her sandwich. 

As they continued, Jennifer listened to the conversation intently, wondering how she could have possibly been so blind. 

*** 

A creak in the hinges of the heavy service door alerted him to a new presence on the roof with him. He expected it to be Mikey. He had left him alone around half an hour before and was probably checking up on him again. 

"Mikey, I told you I'm fine. Just..." He turned and saw Jennifer Taylor standing only an arm's length away from him. 

"I, ah...wanted to let you know that Debbie and Vic picked up food for everyone. You should come and eat. You're too skinny." 

Brian remembered that Justin had once told him that. That his mother thought he was too skinny. The memory brought a small fleeting smile to his face that vanished as quickly as it had appeared. "I'm not hungry." 

The woman was silent as she mulled over what she was about to say. The reason that she had offered to come and get Brian. Then, "I wanted so badly to blame you for this. I really did." Brian scoffed, feeling that he had entered familiar territory. "And I know you blame yourself. In fact...you're probably blaming yourself enough for the both of us." 

"Oh yeah? And what brought you to that conclusion?" He asked in his most bored tone, though he was anything but. He crossed his arms and tried to adapt a look of nonchalance. 

"A lot of thinking. A helluva lot of thinking!" She shook her head. "I didn't want to see it. Didn't want to believe that the things Justin said and believed about you were true. Didn't want to think that you might actually be good for him. But the more I thought about it and the more I heard Debbie and Vic and Lindsay and Melanie and Michael and Ted and Emmett talk about you... I knew that it was all true." 

"What's all true?" 

Jennifer continued on as if she hadn't heard him. "It's simple really. I should have seen it sooner. You let him live with you. You gave him a new life, new experiences. Encouraged him to do what he loved. Cared for him - about him. Put up with him, and I know how tough that can be. Danced with him. Watched over him. Brian...it's obvious that you love my son." Brian could feel her eyes burning into him and he met her stare cautiously. "You do love him. Don't you?" 

Brian nearly wept as he stared into the complete vulnerability and helplessness in Jennifer's eyes. Somehow, they mirrored his own feelings. He found himself nodding slowly. "I do." He whispered. A mere breath of an answer. 

Jennifer sighed in relief, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. "It isn't your fault. It was never your fault." She held his chin between her thumb and index finger and forced his eyes back to meet her's. "Do you hear me?" 

Brian jumped. She had used the mother's tone, suggesting that it was best if you had heard her and even if you hadn't, then you better figure out what she had said and agree with it quickly. Brian nodded. 

"Good." Her mouth lifted in one corner in a semblance of a smile. "Then whatever happened tonight - forgotten. All we have to worry about is getting that kid in there better. Justin is what's important." Brian nodded slowly. "See. And you thought we'd never have anything in common." 

Begrudgingly, Brian accompanied her back to the others and together they waited. 

*** 

Two days later, Brian was staring through the door yet again. The policy on family members only had saved him from having to step foot in the room. Though Jen had offered to talk to the doctor for special permission, he had declined. He was fine standing right there, keeping a watchful eye on Justin as the rest of the family slept. 

"Hey kiddo." Loraine said happily. Brian nodded in her direction though his eyes never left Justin. "Guess who got you an all expenses paid trip to room 204." 

"I'm not going in there." 

"Yeah. I think you are." She said, reaching around him to open the door. "You know how difficult it was to talk the doctor into letting anyone besides family in there?" She huffed. "Okay...so I didn't really talk him into it. But he's napping in the lounge. You have about fifteen minutes so make the most of it." Still Brian hesitated. "Look. He can hear you. No matter what you think. And his mama hasn't helped him. His sister hasn't helped him. His ‘aunt' Deb didn't help. Maybe you can get his stubborn butt to cooperate and snap out of it." Gently the woman pushed him inside and whispered, "Good luck," before taking her leave. 

Brian stood nervously beside the bed. His bones felt like Jello as he worked to keep himself vertical. "Um...hi." He began without really knowing where to start. He ran his fingers along the milky white skin of Justin's arm, pausing at the place where the feeding tube entered his arm. 

Choking up, he turned away but something brought him back. Made him turn back. Something gave him the words. The voice. The courage. 

"Justin, Loraine said that I might help. I don't know why. Or how. But I'll try. For you...I will try." He kissed the boy's pale pink lips and rested his head on his chest as he folded the rest of his long body onto the bed beside Justin. "I...can't take back the other night. Wouldn't want to. I did a lot of thinking. I'm not sure but I think you've finally driven me over the edge. Well, you did tell me once that you were better than any drug but...I guess I didn't realize that you were a hallucinogen." 

He laughed softly at the memory of the trick's face as he stormed out of the loft. He thought that Brian had gone crazy. And maybe he had. Maybe it had been his mind's way of keeping him on the right track. The track that seemed to be leading towards the blonde beside him. 

"I want you to wake up now. You are the strongest person I know. I know that you can do it. And dammit you have to. Because...I want you. I want you...with me again. For real. You're part of my family Justin. I admit, I was looking for someone to fuck the other night. Someone else. But...all I could see was you. And now...you're here. Again. And again it's my fault. Yet, even though I feel like it's my fault and I should be thinking that I'm bad for you - I can't help but think that I should be selfish about this." He took a deep breath and continued. 

"Nothing is the same without you anymore you little shit. Babylon is boring. Woody's is just another ‘Cheers' for Queers. My home is...just a cold, pretentious living space. I can't even enjoy sex without thinking about you." 

"That's always been my problem too." He heard a voice gasp. It was only then that he realized that the air going in and out of the breathing tube was changing rhythm. 

"Fuck me! Justin!" 

"Maybe later..." The blonde smiled up to him, his usual shit eating grin was in place, though slightly skewed by his grogginess. 

Brian let Justin clasp his hand as tightly as he could manage and he returned the squeeze, trying to reassure the boy. "I'm just going to get the nurse." Justin nodded mutely and Brian kissed him softly upon the forehead before running out of the room. 

"Loraine? Loraine! He's awake!" His voice echoed through the halls. "Justin's..." 

"Cool your jets, Kinney. Breathe." She waited until he calmed down. "Okay. Now what has you screaming my name out at this time of night while the other patients are trying to rest?" 

"Justin...he's awake! He's out of the coma," he rushed. 

The nurse grinned, nodded and quickly walked towards the room, Brian on her heels. 

*** 

"So what have we learned from this?" Jennifer asked her son, three days later. Justin was being released and at that moment, she, Molly and Brian were packing him up to leave. 

Justin sighed and stuck his head through the doorway of his private bathroom. "Always make a notation of when I take my meds so that I remember." 

"And..." Brian smirked, enjoying torturing the boy. 

Justin groaned pitifully. "And I'm not allowed to drink any alcohol again until I'm legal." 

"And..." Molly giggled. 

Justin glared at his little sister. "And I get to help find a new home for Molly!" Molly stuck her tongue out at him as she sat on his suitcase, keeping the contents from spilling out while Brian finished zipping it. She giggled as he picked her up and placed her back on the floor. Like Justin, she was heavier than she looked. 

"Play nice kids," the man chastised, completely amused at the entire scene. 

"Yeah! Nice to have some backup for once!" Jennifer winked at him. Justin simply stared at his mother and his lover getting along so well. He wasn't about to ask what had brought about this change for fear that it might go away, but he wasn't fool enough to think that the peace would last forever. 

"Almost finished." He said, making one final sweep over his chin with the razor. He toweled his face off and inspected his work. He felt clean and refreshed and it had nothing to do with the special anti-bacterial hospital soap that he had used when he showered. He was starting over. Again. This time with Brian. Not the watchful, overprotective Brian but the Brian that genuinely wanted Justin with him for no other reason than that Justin had finally managed to get under his skin. The Brian that got along with his mother and had called him a drug. From Brian's lips, there was no higher compliment. 

When he walked out of the bathroom, his mother and Molly had already headed out. They would drop off the release papers while Brian took him back to the loft. "Let's go." Brian said, Justin's suitcase in one hand and the other stretched out towards him, willing him to take it. 

Side by side they walked out of the hospital. 

*** 

Jennifer handed the signed papers over to the head nurse and waited for the woman to give her the okay. When she nodded, positive that everything was in order, Jennifer remembered something else she meant to do. 

My, uh...son-in-law so to speak, said that one of the nurses let him in to see Justin. I don't want to get her in trouble but I was wondering if I could talk to her? Thank her?" 

The young woman smiled. "Do you know the nurse's name?" 

"I believe he said it was...Loraine." 

The nurse shook her head. "We don't have any nurses named Loraine. Maybe he got the name wrong." 

"Must have." Jennifer conceded, but she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. Or...watching over her. 

*** 

From where she was perched on the roof of the hospital, Loraine watched the lovers walk leisurely towards a black jeep that was parked in the loading zone. She sighed and thumbed away a small tear. She was a sucker for a happy ending.


End file.
